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Fostering Podcast: Meet our fostering couple, Rhonda & Gordon

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Originally recorded Q1: 2023 with Central FM – The Forth Valley’s Local Radio Station.

Introduction to Rhonda & Gordon and choosing Aberlour for fostering

Liam.

Hi, it’s Liam here from the Central FM breakfast show. Thanks for getting our latest podcast tuned in, and it’s our focus on fostering series with Aberlour Fostering here on Central FM. Episode three is bringing a slightly different look again at a different kind of foster home, with some added in complexities. I’m really happy that Rhonda and Gordon from Falkirk have joined us for this.

I’ll ask you guys, first and foremost, why did you want to get into fostering?

 

Gordon

Yeah, I was a heavy plant fitter all my life, and I knew quite a lot of the power station in Kincardine was closing. So, I was looking at other options, and I didn’t want to carry on what I was doing. I spoke to someone at my work who knew someone that was doing fostering, and he suggested that I would be a good foster carer and maybe I should look into it.

That’s why I started doing it, I went to a couple of meetings, the same district councils that was doing fostering, and then I had spoke to Rhonda’s friend, who was with Aberlour at the time, doing fostering. She suggested that I could go to Aberlour and have a chat with them and see what the kind of things that they do. And it kind of just started off from there.

 

Liam

And what were the kind of differences there? Because you did mention talking to local authorities about things. What was it about Aberlour that really made you want to take this further?

 

Rhonda

I found them very professional. We had two ladies came out, and they interviewed us, and they told us all about Aberlour. We were very impressed, and we just took it from there. So they took us on, and we did all the training, and they do training consistently throughout the year. So they provide us with a social worker as well. If we have any worries, any concerns, there’s always someone at the end of the phone to ask.

 

Liam

On that, and I know that great support, we’ve touched on another episode as well. If you’ve not listened to those yet, go check them out because we go into a lot of detail about all the support that’s available. I was lucky enough to meet Grace and Kerryanne from Aberlour, who was such a positive energy in this very same studio that you guys are in today.

Do you feel that as well when you speak to your social work team? Do you feel that kind of “family of positivity” that certainly those two were giving off here?

 

Gordon

Yeah.

 

Rhonda

Yeah. I mean, it’s just like one big family, isn’t it? And Grace was a social worker for most of her six years. She was really supportive, and she came to all of the meetings at school. Now we have another social worker called Liz, and she’s absolutely brilliant as well. She’s really helpful. We have Zoom meetings about once a month, and she phone calls as well. Anything. Anything she can do, she will. She’s very helpful.

 

Gordon

The training that they have. You get to pick sometimes whoever suits us so.

 

Rhonda

There was training in autism which we were particularly interested in.

 

Gordon

Yeah. So that was something that we would go to. But yeah, when you go to Aberlour, it’s just like one big family, and they’ll lay your lunch on for you.

 

Rhonda

You do lovely lunches. We call it “the Aberlour lunch”.

 

Gordon

Yeah. Really, really friendly people, aren’t they?

 

Liam

Just a wee upgrade on your ham sandwich. Sounds like my cup of tea, to be honest with you. So, you mentioned that training for, just to take one subject, autism there, and we’ll get into why in just a second. I think the great thing is as well, you guys are in Falkirk, the headquarters for Aberlour is in Stirling now, but you’ve got support from all over.

You can do the Zoom meetings if they’re a wee bit further away, but that knowledge from right across the country you’ve got access to. You mentioned “autism” as one of the things you wanted to get training on. That leads us nicely into telling us more about your fostering journey and, actually, your foster son, who’s now your permanent foster son who’s with you.

 

Foster caring for children with additional needs

 

Liam

We’ve heard so many tales so far with families who have brought in foster kids with different needs and challenges who maybe had maybe traumatic pasts and just needed a real kick start to life or missed out in the first few years of their life, perhaps. You guys have got a slightly different story to tell, and actually, your son has his own challenges that you’ve had to try and work out.

 

Rhonda

Well, he’s got double incontinence, epilepsy, autism, and he has a significant development delay. So even though he’s 15 and a half just now, he actually presents as about three or four. He’s still into Postman Pat and Fireman Sam and Goofy and all these things. And he is just really into his iPad as the main thing in his life.

 

Liam

But you guys, you know these things. You can help him just enjoy all of these different elements by, okay, “He likes his iPad”. But most kids do, and that’s it. What kind of things did you have to look at before your son came to live with you? I know you did move house, and then you had to build that into your future because also you wanted this to be a long-term thing.

 

Liam

So you had to think longer term about your own house and what it was going to look like and be like.

 

Rhonda

He was having seizures. Gordon found it quite difficult to get him upstairs to his bed because after the seizures, he was just out for the count, and Gordon’s having to give him a fireman’s lift up the stairs. He was getting heavier as he was getting older. So we decided to move to a bungalow, and we’re now in an old farmhouse out in the countryside, and it’s just that’s a lot better for him.

 

Gordon

Everything’s on the ground level. He seems to move about the house more than he did.

 

Rhonda

Because he doesn’t like climbing stairs, he’s got a disability with his feet.

 

Gordon

Yeah. It’s more or less like flat-footed.

 

Rhonda

It should have been in casts when he was young, but it doesn’t get done. Yeah, so he does walk a bit strangely.

 

Gordon

For him to go down the stairs a dozen times a day, depending and if he’s in his bedroom or down in the living room, you could see he was getting tired. So we kind of said, “Well, what do we do here?” Rhonda’s grandparents’ farm was up for sale, so we decided he would like it out in the countryside, which he loves now.

 

Liam

I could only imagine, as a kid who grew up in a concrete jungle myself. I can only imagine how exciting it must be. To be surrounded by animals and farmland and everything else.

 

Gordon

Yeah, but because he was having seizures when we first got him, his seizures were more or less once every week, maybe more. And because I could see the stress, and I was thinking, “How can I stop this?”, “How can I make him feel better in his self?” And it was just changing his life into something good.

Whether it was taking him for a walk, say, if he’d been on his iPad and he’d got stressed, I would say, “Come on, we’ll go for a walk, see the deer”, or whatever. You could see this pattern where it was reducing the amount of seizures he was having, and there you notice the amount of stress was kind of level, and it wasn’t as severe.

And so he was maybe having a seizure once a month. Now that’s six years that he’s been with us, and we know the signs of a seizure. He has three links to it. It’s usually cold, a nosebleed, and a high body temperature. These are the three things that can cause a seizure. So we’ve always been mindful that if he’s in the house, not to get too warm. If he’s got a cold, just try and watch him a little bit more, and when he’s wandering about the house, just in case, he takes a seizure.

 

Rhonda

We’ve got fans in every room, and we’ve got air purifiers just to try to keep his temperature level.

 

Gordon

Yeah. So these are the kind of three main things. And where he’s at now, his seizures…

 

Rhonda

Every once a month, maybe, once every two months.

 

Gordon

Yeah, but he doesn’t have the stress that he had when he first came to us.

 

Liam

And that’s thanks to the learning curve that you guys have went on to work these things out. I’m pretty certain that Aberlour would have been part of that journey to help you work all these things. Especially at the start because did you know of all of the challenges that were going to lie ahead with your son? Or is there things that have been added in as you have grown older with him?

 

Rhonda

We’re really lucky because our son doesn’t have any behaviour issues. It’s just really physical ones. He’s really a happy, happy boy.

 

Gordon

He’ll give you a smile no matter what part of the day or how Ill he’s feeling. If he’s got a cold or he can’t get out his bed. He always manages to give you a smile.

 

Rhonda

And when we left today. What did he say?

 

Gordon

I said, “I’m going away to Stirling”. And I gave him a cuddle, and he says, “Bye-bye, take care”.

 

Rhonda

He is quite sweet.

 

Gordon

That’s nice.

 

How Rhonda & Gordon’s foster son came to live with them

Liam

Did you always feel and know that you wanted to support a foster child who had these needs? Or was it something that just happened? Because the stories we’ve had so far are different to yours. Did you always have in your mind that if you were to bring a foster child, then there was going to be someone with these kinds of additional support needs, or that it just happened that way?

 

Rhonda

We just finished training and got passed as foster carers, and there was three potential matches. Out of all these matches, we decided we could deal with our son better than the other two. Different foster carers have different things that they can deal with, that they can give.

 

Gordon

Yeah.

 

Liam

I know that matching process is really important for Abelour. It’s one of the things they really pride themselves on, to make sure that they get the right family for the right person. Obviously, it’s been proven, the fact that you’ve now got that permanent relationship with your son.

 

Rhonda

It’s really important to get the right match.

 

Liam

That period of time that maybe six-nine months period where you’re doing the form, you’re learning a lot about yourselves as well. How did you find that process?

 

Rhonda

And that the process is quite intensive, isn’t it? You’ve really got to dig deep. As I say, we had Grace as a social worker, and she said, “If you have any skeletons, she’ll dig them out”. And it was fine. But yeah, they go into everything. Your background and a lot of detail. It brings a lot back because some things you’ve actually forgotten about.

 

Liam

But it is very important because these children who are coming in have already had so much going on in their lives, and they need to make sure that they’re going to the right places.

 

Rhonda

It’s the right person, yeah.

 

Foster caring and finances

Liam

Yeah, absolutely. Now we’ll touch on the finances a little bit as well because this is something I’ve been trying to talk about a lot in the podcast because it’s a big decision for many people. I know, Rhonda, you had a job, and you decided to give it up. How big a decision was that for you?

 

Rhonda

Yeah. I had a full-time job, and gradually I just cut down the hours. I was still missing out on a lot of things with our son, so eventually, I just gave up altogether. We’re both living on the one wage, but we can manage, and Aberlour also provide maintenance for a child.

So again, it’s quite a comfortable life.

 

Liam

Yeah, that balance is good for you because there’s something I know. I don’t know if you mind me talking about this, Gordon, but you had a brush with COVID right at the start the lockdown, and quite badly too. Has that in any way really just reiterated that you’ve made the right decision to have that balance in your life where you don’t have to rush out to work? You can spend time with your family. Especially having you know…

 

Gordon

Well, I mean, I didn’t know at the time it was COVID. I was 17 days in my bed, so Rhonda was doing everything. Taking care of our son and doing all the stuff in the house, we also have horses, and she was doing the horses. I don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t been there.

I now think to myself, “I’m getting better”. It took a while for my son to, when I was in the hospital, to have that bond with him again. When I came out the hospital, I thought he had kind of a tighter bond with Rhonda. But yeah, it’s come back again with him. It’s just he didn’t know why I was in the hospital or why I was in this room for 17 days.

 

Rhonda

Yeah, he doesn’t understand these things.

 

Rhonda & Gordon: Award-winning foster carers

Liam

You’ve had to rebuild that again a little bit and spend that extra time doing that. That was another challenge that you had to overcome, and you’ve also proven that you’re more than capable of overcoming these challenges. I’m glad to hear that you’ve made a recovery as well. I think it’s proof in the pudding that you guys did an amazing job because you won an award for your fostering. Tell us about that.

 

Rhonda

Won an award last year. Our social worker at that time, Grace, had nominated us for that, and we won. And it was a really big surprise.

 

Gordon

The Fostering Network.

 

Rhonda

They sent us a beautiful hamper, didn’t they? Sandwiches and cakes and an award statue. That was lovely. We’re really pleased about that.

 

High-quality, specialised respite care and backup

Liam

I think that’s kind of the proof right there that you guys did an amazing job. Also, with the support of Aberlour, there to help you do that. With your son, again, this is a long-term thing for you guys. Is this what your fostering journey is going to be now forever, do you think? Are you happy just with your son? You’re there pretty much full-time for him. Or is there anything else you think you could handle, is one enough for you guys?

 

Rhonda

Well, this is our life, just with the one. But we have offered to do any emergency care if something comes up. I mean, we have three bedrooms, so we do have an extra bedroom. If help is needed, we have offered to be there.

 

Liam

That’s amazing as well. I can imagine at times, your life can get quite intense and not a lot of breaks, and it can become quite stressful at times. We don’t mind telling all the bear all truths on this podcast news because it’s important that everyone knows what they’re getting into for fostering. It’s very important for you guys to get a break now and again and those short-term breaks, and maybe you’re thinking about helping with other people. You guys can tap into that.

 

Rhonda

We’re happy to do that. Yes, I am. The foster carers do have access to respite, so that are some respite carers who can either take your child overnight or possibly for the week. We haven’t had our son stay overnight at all because we like having them at home. But say, we wanted to go to the cinema. Then someone would come out for about three hours and let us away and give us that break. The respite care is there if it’s needed.

 

Liam

And because of Aberlour’s fantastic training, the people who come in to take your place, even though it’s a short time, but it might feel like a longer time for him. They’re very well trained to come in and do the activities that will actually engage him and make him feel quite happy whilst they’re there.

 

Rhonda

Yes, and they’ve had to do training and first-aid and everything like that.

 

Gordon

A short break carer experienced our son’s first seizure. It happened to him down in the park, and he doesn’t like going into buildings that are quite dark. He came out, and he notices that he’s a wee bit unsteady on his feet. Down he went, and he had a seizure. Luckily there was two off-duty police officers there, who were also trained and asked how long the seizure was. The short break carer said, “It’s only two minutes or so”. And they took the jackets off, put them under his head and just waited until he came to. Then they lifted him and put him in the car, and the short-break carers took our son home, which he then has to go into this sleep mode as part of his recovery. You could see it was a bad thing, but it’s a good thing for them because they also saw a child having a seizure and knowing what to do because they had been trained by Aberlour and had got information from us or the patterns to have a seizure. They kind of understood.

 

Rhonda

They knew how to do it. Yeah.

 

Understanding conditions and how Aberlour helps with training

Liam

Yeah. You would never wish it to happen, but it does happen to him. At least you guys know you’ve got peace of mind that it can be dealt with, even if you’re doing something else. Are there any other challenges that you want to talk about that have happened with your son that you’ve overcame?

 

Gordon

For me, it’s just trying to be our son and understand why is he taking seizures and what is the reason he’s having these seizures, which we’ve put it down to stress. 99% of the time, it’s through stress. If we can reduce that stress, then that’s got to reduce the amount of seizures he’s having. The seizures have a knock-on effect, and I think that where we are now with him, that seems to be working because we’ve seen big changes.

We don’t have to make these phone calls. He’s had a seizure. We’re learning stuff from his seizures all the time. Plus the training that you’re getting also helps us. I just was kind of on the ball now, as far as his seizures go.

 

Rhonda

One of the other challenges is that he can’t actually read or write. So whatever he wants on his iPad, he has to say it into the microphone, or we type it in. He can be quite demanding, but it’s not his fault. He just doesn’t have the capability to read or write.

 

Gordon

It’s something you just have to do from his point of view. If he could go and type in “Peppa Pig” or whatever, that would be fine, but he has to come to us to ask us what he wants. It’s become part of life now. We’ve been doing it for so long.

 

Liam

Yes. And actually, the technology is getting better all the time in general. For those who don’t have additional needs, it can be maybe put down some laziness, people can do things really quickly. But actually, things like the voice activation, even the latest on the TV boxes you get now, the remote controls have got that going. Do you think that’s something he might eventually be able to pick up?

 

Rhonda

It would be wonderful if we could actually use the voice activation at some point.

 

Gordon

Yes.

 

Liam

We touched on the difference in his physical age and his mental age. Is that something that can still grow and develop as he gets older?

 

Rhonda

Slightly. He’s not going to develop by leaps and bounds. You do see very, very small differences, and it’s slow progress, but you do see progress.

 

Gordon

We were told by one of the doctors that he could get to a certain point, and it just kind of flatlines, and he wouldn’t improve from that. Or there could be a stage where he would improve quite a lot and then flatline again. They don’t have the answers.

 

Liam

Okay. So you still don’t really know the answer to that. But there’s still a lot of positives and potential that some of those things that maybe stress him at the moment, he might eventually over time…

 

Rhonda

Yeah. Maybe we’ll see developments. I mean, he’s a member of Ballantine’s, and we’ll been in the pool, in the water, and he used to always cling around my neck, and he wouldn’t be himself in the pool. But now he can go himself. He can walk up and down the pool, quite the thing. He loves the spa pool, so he’s becoming more confident there.

 

Gordon

Yeah. I suppose he’s evolving, and it’s maybe in a slower way than what you and I would. But he is changing.

 

Liam

You can see it, and the thing is, because of the life that you guys have, you’re with him a lot, and you see these things. I’m pretty sure Grace and other members of the Social work team. They don’t see them, maybe quite as much. They may even spot them more so. You see him every day quite intensely. And that’s nice to hear about positive for them.

 

Advice for anyone considering becoming a foster carer

Liam

You’re both obviously done an amazing job. Is there anything you’d like to give us a bit of advice for anyone who’s wondering about getting on to foster caring? Be that in the situation you guys are in, and the challenges that you face for your son, or just wider fostering in general. What would be the advice that you would give people in the Forth Valley?

 

Rhonda

I would say if you’re interested, go ahead and contact a fostering agency. Get the information, have someone come out and actually tell you what’s all involved and just take it from there. You will need an extra bedroom. It’s a good opportunity to work from home, and it does have a lot of advantages.

 

Liam

And more specifically, when it comes to working with Aberlour. What were the real positive things that you would tell people about Aberlour to maybe choose them?

 

Rhonda

I think that they’re very professional. There’s a lot of support. A lot of support.

 

Gordon

Yeah. The aftercare that they have in place is just that.

 

Rhonda

The training programs, there’s a lot of training done by Children In Scotland, and Aberlour pays for you to get that training. They’re just really supportive.

 

Gordon

If you kind of take a step back and say to yourself, “Would you have done this ten years ago, 20 years ago?” For me, I would have said “Yes”. Sometimes you hear of people that’s been fostering for 30, 40 years, and they’ve fostered all these children. If I could turn back time. I’d probably done the same, especially with knowing Aberlour, the kind of things that they do for you, the help you get, the training you get from Aberlour. There’s always somebody there.

 

Liam

To get the lunches. You mentioned earlier.

 

Gordon

Lunches, lunch. Yes. Yes. [Laughs]

 

Rhonda

And there’s also carers’ group meetings once a month. You can go and get a roll and something and a tea or a coffee and have a chat with the other foster carers.

 

Liam

And just share your stories and give tips and advice to each other.

 

Rhonda

And if there’s any updates, then we get told at the meeting as well.

 

Gordon

Also, Aberlour sends you emails of online training, and there’s quite a lot, for me, it’s autism. I just try to get as much information that I can about autism. It’s something I want now because…

 

Liam

There’s such a wide range and spectrum, obviously, and so many things with that, I’m sure, that’s quite a lot to learn.

 

Gordon

It’s like I got told by one of my son’s teachers that had said. “If you have met a child with autism, you’ve only met one.” Because all children that’s autistic have a different style of autism, so you can say, “Well, I’ve met all these children, and it’s autistic” because they’re not all the same level.

 

Liam

Yeah. And they have different interests and things. So, you’re getting all that support and a chance to do all that and even make yourself better in a way and more knowledgeable, all through Aberlour. Whilst, and there’s no point beating around the bush, getting paid.

 

Rhonda

While getting paid for it, yes.

 

Liam

While at the same time, your lovely farm rural life just outside Falkirk and enjoying things there and so…

 

Rhonda

It’s all good.

 

Liam

You’ve made clearly the right decisions, and no turning back for you guys. No regrets?

 

Gordon

Definitely not, no.

 

Liam

Rhonda and Gordon, thank you so much for joining us on the latest series.

 

Rhonda

Thank you, sir. Thank you.